Where in the hell am I????

I have been asking myself that here lately too!! I just don't know.. I haven't felt good at all for a few months.. I just feel blah.. That's just the best way to explain how I am feeling.. Along with Blah I am crazy emotional, tired, sluggish, I have tons of anxiety and my heart still flutters a lot..I did go to the Endocrinologist last week though and he is going to increase my synthroid so maybe that will help.. One thing this guy said though was that he thought I was OCD!! WTF!!??? I mean I guess I can see it a little in some of the things I am anal about but not to the point of having medicine.. He prescribed med some kinda pill for it too.. He also kept saying.. "YOU GOOD GIRL, YOU GOOD GIRL".. LOL.. he was from another country so I wasn't quite sure what that meant!! I guess it means I am a good girl but um yea!!.. OK......The tests also showed my bad cholesteral was a little high.. He said to eat more fruits and veggies and less of the other crap.. I don't eat a lot of fried crap anyway so I guess I can work on that.. I also haven't been going to the gym in a bout 2 weeks or more!! Like I said.. I just haven't feel good.. I literally didn't want to get out of the bed for several weeks.. I haven't really gained any weight back so that is good.. but I haven't lost any more either.. So I really don't know where I am in my life right now.. I am just on a stand still waiting for something.. A good swift kick in the ass maybe??? I don't know..

Opps I did it again!!

I said I was going to keep updating regularly again didn't I??? Sorry!! I have really been doing good lately.. I have been losing more weight and I can really tell it now.. I was starting to worry and thinking to myself.. OMG will this weight ever fucking come off!!! I was really really getting frusterated!! I think the synthroid is helping! I have lost about 4 sizes so far!! I am sooo excited and so proud of myself.. Today I made Bradyn, Kelsey and Missha jog with me!! LOL.. I still want to do the Couch to 5k thing but it is still so hard for me to jog for a whole minute at a time I think a lot of it is that my weight holds me back from being able to jog for long periods of time anyway today I made them jog for 30second intervals for about a mile and a half or so.. It was hard but we did it!! I still go to the gym regularly and my eating I think has really improved.. I try to go for the more healthy stuff now.. I still have urges to throw up my food but I really really try to get my mind off of it when I am feeling it bad.. Bradyn has been so cute about my weight loss too.. He giggles when I show him that I can take my jeans off with out unbuttoning them!! LOL.. He keeps saying he can't wait to "put his arms around me all the way when I loose more weight".. I just want to make sure he knows that being skinny isn't always healthy and that it's best to be healthy and not worry about how small you are.. I struggled with that my whole life.. I don't want him to have the same feelings about his body like I did and do..

I am back.. FAITHFULLY!!! I promise!!

I have missed some gym time because I have been a sick girlie.. For the past 2 weeks or more I have felt just plain lousy.. I was very very moody, emotional, EXHAUSTED, my shoulders were numb a lot at night time, my heart was palpitating all the time, but what really worried me was one day I was in the shower and I was combing out my hair after shampooing it and chunks came out.. I could feel it coming out at the root!! It really scared me.. My hair is kinda my thing and to even think that I was loosing it.. TERRIFIED me!! So the very next day I went to the Dr and they ran some blood work and found that my thyroid was out of whack!! I have Hypothyroidism.. I kinda thought all along I would end up with a thyroid problem though.. I was told when I was 19 that I had a thyroid problem but when I moved back home from college I was told it was fine.. So all these years every time I have been sick they have tested for thyroid and NOTHING.. Well until last week!! My Dr put me on synthroid.. She also said that with hypothyroidism (hypo for short) can be the reason why it has been sooooo very difficult for me to loose weight.. She said taking the meds may help.. So that is a positive thing.. I THINK.. I didn't realize but the thyroid has a lot to do with the body.. It affects your hormones and everything! NO WONDER I WAS A CRAZED BANCHEE!!! lol..

So what do I do from here?? Well I did start back at the gym this week and I am going to try my best to do the program COUCH TO 5K I will probably have to take my time on this since I still have so much more weight to loose but I AM going to do it. I have always wanted to run.. I have even daydreamed before about crossing a finish line and I get all teary.. I haven't gained ANY of the weight I had lost so that is a great thing!! I just have to start not really over because that would mean freakin' 2 min on the DEVIL machine and I can do so much more than that now, I just have to start where I left off!!! :) TA TA for now!!

Wow... Where have I been????!!??

I can't believe it's been this long since I have blogged!! I kinda left everyone in the dark didn't I??!!!?? Well what has been going on with me you ask? Just life I guess.. I have still been going to the gym only not so much this last week.. I have been in a big time funk lately.. Something I really need to pray about.. My family and I have been having some tough times lately.. Kinda like when it rains it pours.. I have felt so damn overwhelmed lately.. It's been one thing after another.. The day before yesterday when I thought I had enough I go and run my car across the side of the little metal rails that block the gas tanks so I dent and scratch up the passenger side of the door big time!! UGH!!! I cried and Allen just hugged me and told me it was ok and that it happens.. He is really the best husband anyone could have.. Sometimes I forget that.. I am really a fortunate person to have him in my life.. He is just amazing.. I don't think I have lost any more weight.. I feel all crappy lately because I haven't gone this week too.. :(.. It's just been a tough week for me.. I did feel the need to purge my food a few times this week.. I think I am realizing that when I am really stressed I do it the most.. It does help to be honest on here though.. I feel like it holds me accountable.. Well I need to go I have such a BUSY day ahead of me.. I have to get ready for my garage sale, edit some photos for Deanna, and other stuff..

I had my 3 month assesment today!

I was very proud of my results however I do I wish I had lost more weight but I have to keep telling myself that is JUST numbers!! Here are my results!
My previous body fat was at 45.0 and my new body fat % is 39.3!! My trainer said he was VERY proud of that because it takes so much just to loose 1%!! My bicep strength went from 56 to 64, My resting heart rate went from a "fair" score of 82 to and "EXCELLENT" score of 70, my blood pressure stayed the same it was good on my first assessment and it's still great:), My aerobic fitness went from 19.8 to a 24.7, and my overall fitness score went from a 43 to a 37!!!! I think that is pretty damn good, right??!!!???!!??!!

I feel like I have lost about 50lbs today!!!! LOL

Wow did I have an active day!!!!!!!!!! Let me say first off I am sorry for not updating sooner.. I have been kinda busy with the family lately but I have kept going to the gym and walking with mom a few days a week!! I didn't go to the gym yesterday because I didn't feel so good (woman troubles... YUCK!!!!!) I did go today and I ROCKED the precore.. I was so freakin' proud of myself!!! I have been doing better and better on it.. This week I went with Amanda L. and one day we did 20min on the precore and the next we did 21!! But today was my bestest time eva!!! I even got proof!! LOL Freakin 31.15min!! Can you beleive it!!!???!!!I went from barely making 2 minutes to 31.5!!! I am stoked!! I probably could have kept going too!!! I really wasn't that tired.. I do think that having my ipone helps though because I can watch a movie while I am workin' out!! LOL..
After the gym Bradyn and I went for a little bike ride. We rode for about a mile or so but my legs were kinda sore and he just now learned to ride his bike so he still isn't that sure of himself on it yet:) so we layed on a blanket in the front yard and we read some books which was nice and relaxing.. Then mama came home from work and we ate and then went for a walk.. We walked about 2 miles!!!! I FEEL GOOD BUT MY BODY IS SORE.. I really am proud of myself though!!!!! GO ME!!!

Our day!

Sadly we didn't get to go to the zoo BUT we did have a great day!!!! I felt so good today.. All day long..Since we didn't get to go to the zoo as planned Bradyn and I went to the park and had another picnic and he brought his scooter so he could play. We ate, played, walked, fed ducks and went to the little museum at the park.. Afterwards we went home and played outside some more.. I decided to ride my bike around our circle drive and Bradyn rode his scooter.. He kept saying how he wished he could ride his bike without the training wheels.. This has been a big time battle for him for about 2 years now.. He was just sooooooo very afraid of falling.. We tried encouraging him but it just didn't work so we thought he would do it when he is ready.. Well today must have been that day!!!!!! He tried and tried for about 2 hours and FINALLY got the hang of it.. I was such a proud mama bear!!!! We ended up playing bike race around the circle.. LOL.. It was fun.. I really enjoy being able to keep up with him more!!

my body hurts!

Today I felt pretty damn good except for when I started walking tonight.. I stretched and everything but the sides of my legs hurt so bad during my walk.. I am not sure what is up with that.. I didn't go to the gym today because I was just really tired today.. I felt good I was just tired.. Mama and I did do our 2 mile walk tonight though so that's good!!! I haven't felt the urge to purge a whole lot lately.. I am not saying I don't feel I want to sometimes though but lately I haven't. We are goin to the zoo tomorrow.. Bradyn is crazy exited about that and I must admit.. I am too!!

Ugh!! I am so tired!

I didn't sleep well last night and I had to get up early today and go to the Dermatologist to have some spots looked at.. Luckily it was nothing.. I don't have cancer.. I was really worried about that since both my mommy and my Nonie have had skin cancer. After the Dr.s visit I went to Mooreville and got my hair trimmed....IT NEEDED IT BAD... I really want to go to the gym but seriously my body and mind are just tired right now.. Mama is coming home around 5 so I think I am just going to walk with her today.. I have done really good this week though.. I went to the gym 2 times and walked 3!!! Tomorrow I think we are going to the zoo in Memphis so I see a whole lot more walking in my future!!

What a workout day!!!!!!!!!

That was some of the pics I took today!!!
Wow.. Let me tell ya about today.. So I get up around 9ish.. Watch TV for a little while cause it takes me a min to get fully awake!! LOL.. Go check my emails and such and then I went to the GYM around 10:45. I did my 15 min on the Precore, 5 min on the rower (that thing also kicks my tail.. It doesn't hurt it just gets the heart rate up!!) and then 10 min on the bike.. Then I did my weights followed by the sauna!! I went and layed about 12 min in the sun bed( I know I know it's not the most healthiest thing in the world.. I don't particularly like to lay much.. I usually lay about 2 times a week just to have a teeny bit of color. It makes me feel better!) and then went home, took a shower, went to Mooreville and did some visiting and took some photos of various places around my family's land, then went back towards Tupelo where I took more pictures...AND FINALLY WENT HOME AROUND 6:30pm.. Allen and Bradyn were not home yet so I played with the photos I took on photoshop and them mama called at 8:30 and wanted me to go for a walk with her.. SO I WENT FOR ANOTHER 2 MILE WALK!!!!!! I think it is safe to say that my body is TIRED now!!!! LOL..I am so proud of myself for it though!!! Yay me!!!

Me again Margret!!

Who is Margret?? Hell if I know!!!! LOL! I didn't go to the gym today but I ended up walking with my mom this afternoon!! We walked and then rode around and clocked our distance.. We walked right at 2 miles!!! I am definitely going to go to the gym tomorrow though.. I miss it! I want to hit that steam room too!!!

slacker slacker slacker slacker slacker slacker slacker slacker!!!

What the crap is wrong with me???!!!???!! I don't know why I am not motivated much lately.. Part of the reason though is because I feel like I can't really see the results I want to see quick enough.. I know that if I loose it fast I will probably gain it back but because I have been overweight my ENTIRE life I just want to see it gone!!!

Hola!!!

Well today has been a pretty good day so far.. I haven't been too busy or anything today.. I didn't go to the gym because I really wanted to walk outside for some reason! It was really cold out but I still wanted to smell the fresh air! Bradyn and I walked for about 40 min or so.. He kept saying he wanted to go home because his feet and legs hurt but I made him walk..It is really good for him to get outside and I really want to encourage him to go out more! Plus we did have fun.. We play games when we walk.. We played "tour bus" today.. I pretended like I was giving him a tour of the "historic" neighborhood and we saw a witches house that we couldn't look at because if we did we would be captured by her!! LOL.. So of course he looks at it so I told him he had to say "I won't look" backwards 10 times to undo the spell!! I know the only person who is really going to appreciate this story is my much loved Dawny Lou!!!!! We also saw a dog who wasn't a real dog. He was a HUMOG.. Half human half dog!!! I told him he couldn't pet it because he would turn into a HUMOG too!! LOL.. He loves to pretend with me!! Ok so I like to play with my kid!! I still have a great imagination wouldn't ya say!!!!??? LOL.. Yesterday we had a fun day too.. It was a very pretty and warm day so we did his homework outside, read his books outside, and played a little laser tag!!! I love the fact that I can keep up with him now... It's a lot of fun!!

Back in that game!!!

I knew I would be!! Did ya ever doubt me???!!!?? I went yesterday and today.. I actually went earlier today than normal.. I think I am going to start going early from now on even though I like going with Susan (aka Debbie aka Q) at night.. There is just toooooooo many dang people there at night time and I can never get a machine!! It's kinda aggravating plus Bradyn doesn't really like to go and stay up there for an hour and a half waiting on me.. It just makes sense to go while he is at school.. I did the precore both days!! So that's great.. I know I talk about that damn machine a lot but it was kinda like this big obstacle thing for me.... Now I can say that I do like to get on it.. It hurts like hell and makes me sweat all over the place but I guess that's when you know it's working, right????

Ok I admit it!!!

I have totally been avoiding this blog!!!!!! I haven't done good lately.. Not that I have purged or anything but I haven't exercised at all for about 5 days!! OMG!!! I can really tell too.. I don't really have an excuse other than I had a jewelry party at my house Friday night and when I have something like that I get a really big overwhelming feeling that just takes over my whole body.. I get headaches, nervousness feeling etc.. I guess it's anxiety??? I don't know why I do it.. I am such a crazy perfectionist.. You should have seen how freakin' clean my house was that night!! LOL..I am feeling much more like myself now and I know that I have to get back on my routine now.. I am not going to beat myself up about missing those days though.. What good will that do, really??? It will just make me feel bad and right now I don't feel like feeling bad.. It is a gorgeous warm day outside.. God wants me to feel good and so I do!!:)

OH MY!! I about had a melt down with my kid..

Bradyn is really really testing me today.. I just don't know what to do with him.. He is being so disrespectful and very mean. So I decided to come to the computer and vent a little so I can cool down a bit! I didn't go work out today.. I just didn't have time. I didn't get home until about 3 or so and since then I have been cleaning my house and fighting with Bradyn... I have got to get this pig sty cleaned up before my party!!!! I am one of these people that has to have a perfect house before company comes.. LOL.. And one thing that is really bothering me is that my kitchen isn't completed yet.. It's pretty much painted but that's it.. I really wish I could get my living room done before Friday too but there is no way in hell that will happen so I will just have to make do with what I got!! Ok I am finished venting now..

Is it Friday yet???

I had a pretty good day.. I went and worked out and didn't quite make it to 15 min on the precore today.. I just wasn't on my game.. I didn't eat good today.. I actually didn't eat much of anything I just didn't feel that great so when I went to work out I kinda got a little whoosy feeling so I left.. I still got in my 30 min but I was bummed because I didn't do the precore longer.. LOL.. Ain't that a bitch??????!!! Now I am actually wanting to do the Precore and I got all weird feeling while I was on it.. LOL..

I had an awesome work out today!!!

Wow I totally rocked the gym today.. I did 15min on the precore, 10 on the bike and 5 on the rower plus I walked a mile to warm up!!! I felt so pumped afterward!!! My body is a little sore already but it's that good sore feeling... As far as eating goes I have just been trying to cut back on high fatty bad for ya type foods..I still eat some stuff that isn't the best in the world for me but like I said.. I love food!!! I am having a party on Friday and I am already foaming at the mouth thinking of all that party food!! LOL!!! I did end up having a good day today so thank you so much Becca for starting my day off on a good note;)

Today is gonna be a great day!!

I can already tell that today is gonna be kewl!! I already this morning got a very sweet and encouraging message from Becca on Facebook.... She says we need to start a "team Kristie" group on FB!! AWWWWWWWW!!!!! I love that I have groupies!!! LOL!!! So thanks so much Becca and oh and BTW I used to have a crush on Micheal when I was young!! TEEEEHEEEEEEEEE!!!

I can honestly say that I am really PROUD of myself and I haven't really had that feeling about myself in a long time.. I am mostly proud of the fact that my head is clearer these days.. I feel focused and driven to do the right thing for my life, my body, and my family.. I am proud of the fact that although sometimes it's difficult I am still going strong. I am proud that I can look in the mirror at myself and NOT feel disgusted:)

Today was Bradyn's first day at school on adderhall.. I wish so much he didn't have this problem but really I am thinking it may be helping some already.. This weekend was semi relaxed.. He wasn't zoned out or anything like I was afraid he would be on the meds so that is really good.. He just seemed to be less aggitated some.. Bless my baby's wittle bitty bones.. I love my little monkey head so much..

I am going to the gym tonight.. Actually probably earlier than usual though.. I think we are going to start painting my kitchen tonight.. I have having a little get together Friday and my kitchen looks HORRIBLE from the remodeling..


Here is a pic of my HORRIBLE kitchen right now.. I told mama that I atleast want to get the green paint on the wall and maybe my kick ass curtains up before the party.. We are going to do a metal sheeting thing on the bottom of the chair rail.. But we probably won't get that done in time.. Oh well.. Well in this pic you can't even see the chair rail but it's there I promise!! So far we have ripped down all the really OLD wall paper.. about 5 layers!!! And we also knocked out that horrible desk that Bradyn is touching in the pic..

The Precore machine is my bitch!!!!

LOL.. I totally rocked the Precore Friday night.. I can usually only do like maybe 5 min but I don't know what it was but Friday night I kept going and going and going... I hit over 15min!! HOT DAMN!!! I was just soooo freakin' excited about that.. That dang machine has been the devil to me since I started working out there.. It hurt so bad to exercise on it.. Susan also stayed on it for 15 min.. It hurts her too.. The funny thing was for her is that she was riding the heck out of it BACKWARDS and had no idea.. She looked so funny hanging on for dear life just a peddling!! LOL.. Our trainer came over and told her she was riding backwards and maybe going forwards would be easier.. I lauged so hard I almost fell off!! LOL

It's Thursday!!!!

I am really feeling good these days.. Well except for having my monthly visitor (TMI?????) LOL!!!! I can really tell I am loosing.. I wish it would come off a heck of a lot faster though!!!!!!!! I put on my size 22 jeans the other day and I COULD BUTTON THEM!! HOT DIGGITY DAWG.. Now let me say this.. They were not really loose or anything but still I could button them!! LOL.. I wanted to say thank you to all my readers who are following along and who give me lots of support during this.. It is hard and sometimes I want to quit but the urge to stop isn't overwhelming anymore.. I feel really good about that.. I really do enjoy working out.. I have lots of energy afterwards. So in the words of the wise Martha Stewart "that's a good thing".

A big thank you goes out to my cousin Dawn E. Lou!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

I also wanted to say Hi to Millie and Leigh!! So HI MILLIE AND LEIGH!! We should go to lunch someday!!!!

Hey this kinda sounds like I am accepting some sort of an award doesn't it.. Hell maybe I am!!!

Life...

Life is so very very precious and I think we all take it for granted sometimes..Well I can't say "we" all I can only speak for myself.. I TAKE IT FOR GRANTED SOMETIMES! I kinda had a wake up call so to speak today.. I have a friend and her name is Stacy Barber.. Stacy has battled cancer for a long time.. It finally won.. She lost her battle last night.. Cancer is so damn cruel.. It invades our bodies and takes steals the very life God gave us.. Hearing this news today made me really sit and think.. I thought about my life and how much I spend of it doing nothing to better it.. Don't get me wrong I am working my ass off at the gym but in other ways I mean.. I am sitting here with the world at my fingertips and I keep washing my hands of it.. Stacy's life was cut short.. She was only 31 years young. It scares me.

What a crazy few days!!!

I worked out tonight but I hadn't been to the gym since last Thursday!! I worked out with D and that man made me soo sore.. I felt like I was sick for a few days after.. Literally SICK!!! I had a bit of a fever too!! Also Bradyn has been a bit of a handful as well!! He has been going through a HORRIBLE phase!!! But all is better right now. I feel much better now that I went and worked out tonight!! It was tough since I hadn't been in a few days but still it felt good!!

Holy Sore Body Batman!!!!

WOW!! I am soooo freakin' sore today... I didn't know if I would make it working out tonight but I really needed to go to maybe walk some of this soreness out.. I worked out with D Yesterday and he really made Q and I work our tails off!! I am still doing really well with my workouts and I have added a few more veggies and fruits to my day.. But how I wish I could wiggle my nose like a Genie and POOF... I would be all fit and healthy!! This is sooo hard especially since I can hardly move right now!!!

Been Thinking...

Can one overcome an eating disorder on there on??? I don't know the answer to that.. I just don't know.. I have tried therapies and well I just don't like them.. but who really loves to go to therapy and have deal with all their personal crap?? I have done so well with my exercising ...but the eating part???...well that is another story in itself.. I am not binging on things like I did so that is GREAT. I still do feel the urge to purge sometimes though.. I am trying soooo damn hard during my workouts and it makes me mad to damn well know I should NOT eat a certain thing and then I do eat it and I just want it out of my body! But then part of me doesn't want to have to monitor ever freakin' thing I eat.. I mean good grief who wants to do that all the time!!!!!????!!! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO EAT WHAT I WANT AND NOT FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT IT.. I know it's moderation but with me I STILL feel bad even if I have a few bites of it!! GRRRRRRRR What is freakin' wrong with me!!!?? Why is food such an obstacle with me??? Some people say "you should eat to live not live to eat" but what the crap does that really mean.. I don't live to eat but I like to eat.. Is that really wrong?

Didya think I forgot about blogging??!!!!???!

Nope!! I am still here and working hard!! I still haven't really gotten into the eating completely healthy yet but my workouts are awesome and I am really really loving it!! I am so nervous about going today though.. I think I mentioned before that I was going to work out with Dee well I got sick that next day and didn't feel good at all so I didn't go.. I did walk in my neighborhood though but I just didn't go to work out with him.. I think part of it was an excuse so I didn't have to go because I am so scared!!! I think the thing I am "afraid" of the most is people looking at me while I am working out with him.. When you work out with a trainer everyone can hear their voices in the whole place so you kinda stand out but when I am doing cardio alone I kinda blend in.. I think that is the main reason why worry so much about going.. I am going to start adding more fruits and more healthier things to my diet each week.. Allen's Chiropractor used to work for the Ole Miss Athletic Department and he worked up a sheet for Allen to go by as far as what are good things for him to eat and bad things that work with his blood type.. He is going to do the same for Bradyn and I so hopefully I can do better with the eating thing.. I just love to eat so much but I guess I need to start doing better with that. I mean good grief I work my ass off at the gym I should care a little more about what I put into my body, right??!!??!!

Wow.. I think I can really tell now!!!

I was beginning to think I was never going to be able to tell that I had lost weight!!! I felt like Ruby felt when she said she had lost 60lbs but couldn't tell at all.. But last night I had to go to somewhere and after I put on my clothes I could tell they were loose so I looked at myself in the mirror and I can tell!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It feels so good to get all those sweet compliments too!! It really motivates me!!!! I worked out last night and then today Missha and I are meeting Susan and Devyn at the gym! It's a girly workout day!!

FEELING FINE!!

I just knew I would have a better day today and I DID!!! LOL.. I went to the gym today and found out I am working out TOOOOOOO MUCH!! WHAT THE HELL????? DEE one one of my trainers (a hot ass looking guy too!!!) told me NOT to do weights/strength training everyday!!! He said that my cardio is great everyday but not to do the weighs every time I come to the gym which is usually about 5 days a week and I had been doing that!!!! No wonder I am not loosing hardly any weight.. I mean yea I am loosing it but I am gaining more muscles to quickly.. He said to only do my strength training 2 to maybe 3 days a week!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Oh and get this.. Dee also trained Nicole my cousin and Nicole told me to "yea introduce yourself to Dee and tell him to work your ass off like he did mine".. So today I introduced myself to him and told him what she said and I was kidding.. I really didn't want him to work my ass off.. Well he wants Susan and I to meet him on Friday!! OH MYLANTA!!! What have I gotten myself into.. He is hardcore!!!! I AM SCARED!!! LOL

UGH.. Not a good day!

I guess we can't always have great days can we???!!!!???!!!! And today for me, wasn't one of them!!!! I got a call this morning around 11am saying that Bradyn was sick so I went to pick him up from school. My plan for the day was to go to work at the school for a few hours, go work out, go buy my dad a cake because it's his birthday today and then go to his house to celebrate.. Well since my poor baby was sick I stayed home with him and had an eating fest!!!!! I did go pick up daddy's cake earlier this morning and it was just sitting there all by it's little lonesome all day!! I should have put it in the freezer or something but I kept telling my self "no it won't taste the same, it will go to waste" knowing full damn well it would be absolutely freakin' fine!!! Well when I brought Bradyn home he sees the cake and wants it bad.. That is our weakness, BIG TIME!! I told him if he felt better I would give him some.. I guess deep inside I wanted him to feel better so bad so we could eat cake! I know how sick is that, right! I tell you though... CAKE... sitting there untouched in my family is like having mounds of money all around and your not supposed to spend it!! It is torture!!!!! He threw up on and off during the day but kept wanting a little cake.. So what did I do??? Do you even have to ask that ??? Yes, I cut into that sucker like I was a homicidal maniac!!! We didn't eat it all but we had a few pieces... I felt bad about it.. I wanted to get it up and get it out of my system... I felt like I had commited the worst crime ever!! I don't know why food is such an addiction for me.. I don't consider it a comfort.. I don't feel comforted when I eat it.. I usually feel so freakin' guilty about it.. So here I am sitting here.. Feeling like a complete failure.. All because of one little day! One little day of mess ups and I feel like all is lost.. I know it's not.. Tomorrow will probably be brighter for me but still.. I hate feeling like this! DAMN THE MAKERS OF CAKE!!!!

I love Bradyn!!!

Bradyn wants to see his name on the computer! So here it is! I love you Bradyn!

I forgot to say this on my last post!

Picture This: I am walking really fast on the treadmill and I was really getting it too!! I was enjoying the melody of dance music on my ipod. I was really feeling the burn but it felt good.. I was enjoying it so much and I was so proud of myself because I was not wanting to stop, I wasn't out of breath, I WANTED TO KEEP GOING!!! So I started smiling and giggling a little and then I was like... OH CRAP.. I am sure everyone heard me.. You know when you have headphones in your ears you don't really hear yourself good.. LOL!! But who cares what they think, right!!! LOL.. I just thought that was funny..

I had a great work out today!

I went to the gym today and met Dev and one of her friends. I did my normal but I probably walked a little more because I was waiting on her to get there. After our workout we hit the steam room and sweated like crazy!! I love getting in that thing.. At first it kinda takes my breath away but after a min or so it feels so good... I have also done really well with my eating disorder.. I haven't felt the urge to get rid of any food or anything so that is great for me!!! I plan on going to Over Eaters Anonymous this week.. Wednesday to be exact.. I really wish Allen would go workout with me.. His back hurts a lot and he doesn't feel good a lot too. I am going to try and talk him into it.. Just for a few days maybe he will like it.. He has a membership now to a gym in New Albany but he NEVER EVER goes!!!! Hopefully his membership will run out soon so he won't have to pay for it anymore and he can go with me to the Wellness Center!

Hot Damn!!!

It makes feel so happy when the day is so pretty like this.. It is kinda chilly still but not too bad.. How am I doing you ask? Just fine.. I had the KEWLEST thing happen last night!! Missha my cousin came to work out with me plus it was Friday and that's family night so she brought Kelsey so the kids could play in the pool.. Well when she walked up to the gym to meet me she said "OMG Kristie, How much weight have you lost??!!" and I was like NOOOOO you can't tell!! and she said "YES I CAN"!! It made me feel so good.. I still can't "see" it but I can tell in my clothes.. Allen says he can tell when he hugs me.. AWWWWW!!!! It does make me feel good to hear those things.. That is the kinda encouragement I love.. I don't like people telling me what to eat and what not to eat etc.. The more encouraging postive words I hear the better.. I mean don't get me wrong I love advice!! I just really like the compliments!!! Last nights workout wasn't really that intense as it usually is.. I was waiting on "MISS LATE GIRL" to get to the gym!!! LOL... I got there before Missha did so I walked about 10 laps which is a mile and then I stretched and got on the bike for about 10 min and then the precore for about 4 or so and then we went downstairs so the kids could play in the pool and play racketball.. Then Missha and I got in the steam room where we stayed until we almost got TOOOOOO HOT!!! LOL.. Luckily we got out before we died!

Thursday BABEE!!!

I tried to talk myself out of going to the gym today but I didn't!!! I wanted to go early because I had some stuff I wanted to do this afternoon but I went ahead and met Susan at our normal time (5ish) Of course now I am so glad I went I feel sooooo good now!! Today was really the first day I tried to talk myself out of going though.. I think I didn't want to go because Aunt Flo is visiting and I was just so darn tired feeling. I am going tomorrow and taking Bradyn and one of his friends because it's family night.. He is so excited!!

Oh Lordy!! I am so tired!!!

Whew.. I just got back from the gym an hour ago or so and man oh man I am EXHAUSTED I did my normal workout but tried to add a few min. here and there.. Plus I added a little extra weights.. I stayed in the steam room for about 15 min or so and now I just want to rest!!!! Don't get me wrong I feel great just tired.. Infact I feel better and better each day.. I have more energy and my mind seems clearer.. Anyway.. Just thought I would update everyone..

I could really use some encouraging words or advice if anyone has any to throw out there at me.. I love getting comments on my posts!! Thanks so much to all my blog viewers out there:)

I worked out again today!!!

Ok so Monday I didn't work out because well I guess there is no real excuse other than I just didn't.. Allen came home from work sick, I was tired.. yada yada yada.. I didn't eat real well that day either!! But today I went to the gym with Quey and had a great work out.. I went to Walmart yesterday and bought some new shoes to work out in.. I don't really like them. They kinda look like Orthepedic shoes but they have pretty good support in them.. Susan and I are going to get some KEWL looking sporty support shoes in a few weeks.. But for now these are JUST FINE.. My legs actually did NOT hurt so I know they are helping during my work outs.. I didn't realize how IMPORTANT shoes really are!!! They made all the difference. I felt like I could do more and I did!! woooohoooooooo I have been feeling a little discouraged lately.. I am trying sooo hard not to.. but in one my earlier posts I mentioned the "number" not looking like they are coming off.. I talked with one of the trainers and she promised me that in a month or so when I weigh that I WILL see some numbers dropping.. She said it just takes time.. She says she is really proud of me and to not give up and I do know she is right but like I said before.. When you are fat and are trying to loose weight you just want to see those numbers going down!! I can tell in my clothes though..
I saw a guy who I went to school with and was also the brother of a guy I dated at the gym.. I was like OHHHH NOOOOOOOO.. I had seen him before but I didn't speak to him because I just knew he wouldn't recognize my fat self.. But he came over and spoke to me.. I was kinda embarrased but oh well..

Whew.. all is good!!!!

I was sort of worried about nothing.. Turns out I am just fine.. I went to the Dr today and she took my BP and it was fine!! She said they were probably not using the right cuff. Being overweight I have to use a larger BP cuff to take an accurate reading and the people that took mine didn't use a larger cuff.... They also did a few other tests and all was good with them as well.. I feel much better now.. I didn't work out today though.. Allen came home sick so I stayed with him..

A little funny about my silly husband: So last night I was crying and all worried and he says "Kristie you worry so much.. Your always doom's daying it up" I told my Dr that and she laughed and before she walked out the door she said.. "Now try not to dooms day it up ok".. LOL!!!

Ok now I am worried..

I didn't mention this in my earlier post and well I wasn't going to mention it at all because I thought it was a fluke.. BUT yesterday at the expo I had my BP taken.. I have NEVER EVER had BP problems at all but on this day my BP was 134/104!! It was taken with one of those machines so I didn't think much about it.. Well today after my workout I went and had it taken again by a trainer and it was 134/100 (scared the shit out of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I went home worried. I took a nap worried and I woke up from my nap worried.. I called mama and went over to use her BP cuff and it read 197/114 OMG I don't know what to do.. I am so upset which is probably making it rise that much more.. Here I am working my fucking ass off and NOW I have high blood pressure.. What the crap??????????????????? Mama said I felt hot so maybe it was because I was getting sick but when I have ever been sick before it wasn't high like this.. I am going to the Dr tommorow. I am so scared.

Hello out there!!!!!!!!!

Well it's Sunday!! I had sooooooooooo much fun yesterday at the Spirit of Women expo.. I learned a ton and got a crap load of freebies PLUS I bought a GORGEOUS necklace and earring set from Kim Gambrell the artist/owner of Fruition. Not only is she uber talented but she was also really sweet!.. I am telling you ladies.. She rocks!!!!! I can NOT wait to wear it! Here is a pic of it!! I totally deserved it:)!!! Along with my necklace and freebies I also went to a few "classes" I went to a class on learning how to pick out the right excersize/walking shoes for me, and one on skin care, and then one on gardening and well since I am not a gardener at all Susan and I sent dirty text messages to each other during it.. ROFL!! It was so funny I thought I was going to have to leave the class because I was about to bust out laughing a couple of times!! LOL!!! I also got my blood sugar tested and it was a 100 which the lady said was perfect!! OH YEA I AM PERFECT! teee heee!! Then I got my bone density tested and I scored a 2.2 which was way off the charts great!!! I was so tickled.. She said my bones were in excellent condition!! OH YEA ANOTHER PERFECT SCORE!! LOL.. I am going to the gym today with Susan.. I kinda hurt my knee last week (which we found out was because we are NOT wearing the right kind of shoes) so I am going but I am going to try not to do anything that will have a big impact on my knees..

TGIF!!!

Friday is here! Friday is here!!!! I have done really good with my excercising this week!! I worked out Thursday and tonight! I can honestly say that I didn't really want to go tonight.. I just didn't feel like it.. But I made myself go.. I do feel better since I went though. It was family night again so after my workout and steam room I took him to the pool and let him swim and then we played raquetball again. It was fun but my body was just a little more tired tonight than usual.. Not sure why that is.. Maybe it was just a mental thing since I really didn't want to go in the first place.. This is the first night I really didn't feel like going.. I was just really tired today for some reason. I still haven't been eating all that great yet.. But that is coming.. Dieting make me feel like I am being punished and I don't want that feeling. Anyway that's all for tonight. I think I will go to bed a little early since tomorrow I am getting up early and going to a woman's convention tomorrow:)

I didn't do well today..

I forgot to add this in my last post so I will say it here.. I didn't do well with eating today or exercising.. I ended up not going to the gym today and I had donuts, 2 hamburgers and a lean cuisine meal all in one day.. I think I am just really nervous.. Tomorrow I have to testify in court and that is all I thought about today.. I am not nervous as to what I am going to say because all I can say is the truth but what I am nervous about is getting in front of people and talking.. That is totally me being self conscious about my body. It is something I have to do for my family though.. Anyway just thought I would add that in since I want this to be an honest blog about my weight loss journey..

HELLO HELLO HELLO!!!

I could have sworn I posted yesterday but I guess not!! Sorry about that! How am I today?? Well let's see.. I feel pretty good. Bradyn has been sick so that kinda sucks but he is much better today. I worked out Sunday night and last night and I will probably go again tonight.. I had a great time last night. I found my ipod so I had some kickin' tunes to jam out too.. A couple of times I caught myself semi dancing as I was riding the precore (I did it for a whole 4 min again!!! ) and I giggled because I am sure people saw me... I have been thinking about goals again. I actually forgot to mention this goal when I first listed them. I WOULD LOVE TO WEIGH LESS THAN 200 LBS!! I dont' think I have weighed less than 200 lbs since I was a teenager. God that would feel so good to get on those scales and see 199.999999999 instead of a big honkin' 200 number.. So right now I have to loose about 79lbs or so to see my miracle number.. I know that a lot of trainers and such say.. "Don't look at the numbers because muscle weighs more than fat blah blah blah blah blah" but if you have ever been overweight like me.. Numbers do play a very important role in weight loss.. I know before when I was loosing it the wrong way I would weigh myself EVERY DAY more than once a day!! After a binge I would purge it and then weigh again.. I know it is so sick isn't it??!!??!! I have only weighed myself twice since I have started all this which is pretty good but I weighed on my mom's scales which don't weigh me the same as the Wellness Center ones do so I really don't know for sure the exact number.. All I know is this shit is coming OFF!!! I have done pretty well with my eating I still eat what I want but I try not to eat so much of it. I also was supposed to go to Overeaters Anonymous today but Bradyn is still sick and Allen didn't want him to go to school today since it is sooooooooooo freakin' cold here. I was kinda bummed about it too because I was kinda excited about going and getting some things off my chest.. Posting things here does help but it doesn't compare much to talking to someone who can really relate to what I am going through..

Wow I am really feeling good!!!

It's Sunday!! Susan texted me earlier today and wanted to know if I was going to work out.. I hadn't planned on it because I thought it was closed on Sunday and let's face it.. Who really WANTS to work out on Sunday? But I went ahead and went because I knew I needed to and I am sooo glad I did.. I really am energized and relaxed all at once.. After my work out I got in the steam room and there was another lady in there.. We were talking for min and then she says "you can get the steam going if you want to? I am like, what the crap.. I thought it was going.. Here I am sweating like crazy.. But little did I know that when I poured water over this little knob thingy that a CRAZY amount of steam would come.. So much infact that I couldn't see her anymore OR MY FEET!! LOL.. I had gotten in the steam room a few times before and NEVER knew that I had to actually pour water on the little thingy to get it to work!!! I thought I was doing good before!! LOL.. But yea I was a sweating fool when all that steam came rising up!!! It felt really good and helped relax my muscles after my work out. My goals for next week are: to work out 5 times.. I did that this week already and I want to make sure I do the same for next week.. I also want to start encorporating some fruits and veggies into my day. I really don't eat as much of that as I need too.. So that is my plan for next week..

It's a Chilly Willy Saturday here!!!

YIKES.. It is sooo cold here!!! But this ain't no (like my southern accent coming through there:) blog about weather! So how am I doing? Great!! I feel sooo much better! I worked out last night with Susan and Devyn and it really did feel good..I walked around the track for 3/4 of a mile then I actually did 3 whole freakin' minutes on the dreaded Precore machine! I was very proud of that! I walked for 10 min on the treadmill then 3 min on the bike (by this time I was pretty tired, I probably should have stayed on the bike) then I did my weights. I increased the amount of weights I was doing by just a teeny bit. And then I hit the steam room... I love the steam room! BUT before all that Bradyn and I played a little Racketball and I let him play in the pool because it was family night. He had so much fun especially playing Racketball because he laughed at me the whole time.. teee heee! I have lost a little weight but I won't say how much yet.. I am going to try not to weigh myself a lot.. It is hard because I want to know so badly but I really need to wait to weigh maybe every 3 weeks or so.. I know in the past when I was loosing it the wrong way I would weigh myself several times a day.. That wasn't healthy for me but neither was throwing up to loose weight, right??? Anyway... I really do feel so much better today... I think working out really helps!

Kinda down today.

Not sure why but I just am.. I didn't work out yesterday and I kinda felt guilty about it.. I have no excuse other than my legs were so sore they hurt at just the slightest move.. Which is kinda a good feeling because I know they are sore for a good reason but still it did hurt so bad.. Bradyn is sick today and I was supposed to go at lunch time with Devyn but I had to pick him up from school because he was throwing up.. GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Allen is coming home today so hopefully he will be home in time for me to go tonight.. It is soooo cold outside or I would be walking!!! I can't beleive how dang cold it is today!! So yea I feel kinda sucky today.. Anyway.. I just wanted to put in a little update.. I am NOT quiting though.. I know doing my work outs and eating better will make me a much healthier me and that's all I can ask for!

Tuesday

Oh man, early this morning was a tough one for our family.. My brother Casey was at the ER from about 12:30 to about 4am or so.. It was a long night.. Bradyn ended up staying home with me because I was so tired. We went to check on him at my dad's house and he seemed better just really tired and really sore.. He had a really really bad reaction to a medication he took a little too much of not knowing that he didn't need to do that.. He thought it would help him sleep and it really wasn't designed just for that.. So anyway.. That was really rough.. So I slept late today and then Bradyn and I got up and went to see him and then after that I went to the gym.. For some reason when I was walking the track and would pass the Precore machine I would growl.. Hmmm I wonder why?? LOL.. Susan was with me today.. It was funny because I didn't even know she was there.. She didn't know I was there either and we were both walking around the track!!! LOL.. Devyn (Susan's neice) was also there for her assessment.. I think it will be a lot of fun and motivation for all of us.. Lord knows I need all I can get!!! Susan and I walked around about 9 times and then got on the Precore.. She and I both were laughing at the horribleness of our fitness on this machine!! We both felt really weird when we got off.. We both did it to about 2.5 min or so... I asked the trainer again if it would get better and he said it would and to keep at it.. So that's my plan.. I AM GOING TO GO 10 MIN ON THAT THING ONE DAY!!!!!!! I look around and see all these people going so fast for so long on that thing and here I am my measly 2.5 min!!! GEEEESH!!! Then we walked a little more and did our weights. It was a good work out though I felt it and was really sweaty.. I think tomorrow I will skip and walk at home instead.. I don't wan to over due it to much.. I think 4 days a week and walking at home is good for the first few weeks and then bump it up slowly so I don't hurt myself too badly.. Although when I watch the Biggest Loser and all those shows they sure don't go easy on them!!!!!

It's Monday!!!

I had a good weekend. I didn't do much though. I am going to probably take a break from the blog on weekends and just keep updating during the week.. We will see how that goes for now.

YOWZERZ!!! I had my first official work out today at the Wellness Center and OMG it kicked my tail!! Regina set me a plan to kinda follow as I go.. I start off walking a 3/4mile and then get on the Precore machine.. OMG that MACHINE WAS PAINFULLY EXHAUSTING!! I couldn't do the 10 min she had set for me I could only do 3 for now!! WOW it moved muscles I didn't think I had!!! My legs were like spagetti and I was shaking a little so I knew I needed to get off that machine.. So after that I walked slowly to let my heart rate slow down abit and to also help stop the shaking in my legs.. LOL.. Then I did some weight lifting.. I actually didn't get to finish all the cardio Regina set for me because my legs felt so bad but one of the other trainers I was talking too, who's name excapes me, told me that was perfectly fine and normal and that if I do too much too soon I could get hurt or just get burned out. I told her I felt like I failed working out today but she said.. "Kristie, you are here and that is NOT failing in my book".. She is such a sweet person and I feel bad I can't remember her name!!!!!!! Anyway we finished off with a little more walking.. She actually walked around the course with me... Now it's almost 6:30pm and Bradyn has a Cub Scout meeting..

It's Saturday!!

My assessment yesterday at the gym went fine.. I actually weighed a few pounds less than I had thought. 286 to be exact.. My blood pressure was just perfect, my strength was fine but needs improvement my body fat percentage was UM NO SO GREAT!!! LOL... It was like 45% YIKES!!!! I really really enjoyed the whole thing really.. The people were so nice and encouraging they were so helpful and showed me all I needed to know. I left there feeling a lot less nervous and a ton more excited and ready for my journey. I told Regina,the lady that was doing my assessment, that I didn't want to "diet" because I didn't think they really worked.. I told her I wanted to eat healthy but still get to enjoy the things I like to eat. She said that was a great outlook to have and that I should still eat things that I liked but only in moderation. I totally agree.. She also said that one of the big keys in loosing weight and getting healthy (besides eating healthier) is to stay active. No not excercising 23 hours a day but not sitting on the couch or in the bed all day.. She said just by cleaning the house you get some sort of excercise. But any of you ever come over to my house don't DARE expect it to be spotless!!!! LOL.. I ain't gonna be cleaning all damn day:)
I ended up going bed last night around 8:30pm!!! HOLY COW that is crazy early for me but OMG I was exhausted both physically and mentally.. I didn't really do a big work out yesterday but I was there for about 2 hours just going over things and taking tests and such.. I had so many things running through my mind all day yesterday. It was a big day for me! Today's goal: I am going to go for a walk with Bradyn and hopefully get Allen to join us!!

A little about today's quote of the day: I like little funny encouraging or funny quotes but today's quote isn't either really.. It's just a statement that I really relate to. I have an eating disorder. I have had it for about 15 years. I don't talk about it to a whole lot of people but I think in order to do this and get healthy both body and mind that I needed to talk about this.. I have Bulimia. There I said it. I have this burning feeling inside whenever I eat too much to get it OUT of my system. I have seen professional for it although I think either he wasn't the right one for me or maybe I was really scared but I quit going to him. I had a painful childhood and that does still eat at me sometimes I guess.. I don't really think about things that happened when I was little but I think subconsciously it is still there and that is what causes me to be depressed. I do NOT blame my mom or my dad for things that happened when I was little.. They did the best they knew how to do. I do know that to get through this I probably need to see a professional but I need to find one that I am comfortable with and who I trust in helping me deal with all the pain.

IT'S WORK OUT DAY!!!!!!

My head is telling me WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My body is saying OHHHHHH GOD IT'S GONNA HURT!!! But for now my head is outweighing my overweight body for a change!! I am truly excited.. I had trouble sleeping last night but that's really not that unusual.. What was unusual was that I was thinking about today and how I know it's gonna be the start of a new life for me. I am not saying that joining a gym is gonna change it all because for a lot of people ME INCLUDED ya start of right and then ya just get sick of it.. I guess what I am saying is that it's not the gym that is going to change me it's ME that's going to change me and that is super kewl!

This morning I am sitting here again trying to get awake and having me a piping hot bowl of oatmeal which is VERY diffrent because I NEVER eat in the morning.. I usually don't put a thing in my body to eat until after 2 or so because for one I sleep late and then for another I just don't feel like eating until then which I KNOW IS SOOO NOT GOOD FOR MY BODY.. Oh and did I stick with my goal and NOT go back to sleep yesterday.. Well sort of.. I was all the way up until about 1 or so and my eyes kept trying to close on me so I ended up dosing off for about an hour or so before having to go pick up Bradyn.. So that's not to bad at least it wasn't all damn day long.. I know that lack of sleep at night really is the cause of that so my goal for today is to NOT go to bed until 11am that may seem late to some but to me that is OLD PERSON EARLY!! LOL.. I am such a night owl!!!!!! Ok well I am off to start my day.. I go to the Wellness Center at 11am for my assessment! Wish me luck!! Wait what am I saying.. LUCK AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO WITH THIS!! This is all me baby!!!

Goals??? What the hell are they anyway!!!

I have been thinking of my goals today and wondering what is a goal exactly.. An unattainable dream? A fairytale? Don't get me wrong.. I know what the meaning of goal is but good grief how many goals can one person have and how many times have you had a goal and NOT reached it.. I am not about to make a goal and not reach it this time.. I have invested to much of my life already trying to grab hold of something I want so bad knowing full well that I won't really work hard enough for it.. I thought and thought about my goals in this and I have come up with these.. (if you are reading this and have never been obese...omg I hate that word.... then you probably won't relate to this but that's ok I want to share this with everyone so that they can maybe understand a little about the difficulties of being big)

Of course my main goal is to be healthy.. I don't care about being skinny.. I just want to feel good..but some other things I would love to be able to do are and yea these may not be goals per say but they kinda are to me.. So in no particular order here they are..
1. Being able to wear pretty clothes.. You know like the awesomely hot dresses in the Reed's department store window?
2. Being able to wear boots.. I am not talking about ankle boots.. I am talking about knee boots.. I am too big to fit in regular size ones from the department stores.. I would have to special order them and I am NOT doing that!!!
3.. Being able to go somewhere and eat and not look around to see if anyone is watching me eat.
4. Be able to run fast with Bradyn.. I absolutely can NOT wait for this one.. I want him to have his mama right beside him running fast in my dad's pasture feeling the air in my hair and not be so winded that I have to stop in 2 seconds.. That would be kewl!!
5. I love amusment parks but the whole time I am there.. and I mean it just about the whole damn time... I am thinking to myself.. OH GOD I hope I can fit in the seat and buckle the seat belt on the rides.. So it would be really nice if I could go and not even think about the whole fitting in the seat thing and just have a great time!

Ok that's it for now.. Not that I don't have a ton more I can list but I will list them as I go along in my journey..

Here's to today..

It's early in the morning.. TOO EARLY!! LOL.. About 8am.. I am sitting here trying to get awake all the way.. I am eating a bowl of oatmeal and yea coke!!! LOL.. Not healthy I know but I gotta start somewhere!!! I am going to try NOT to go back to bed today.. That is my goal for today.. I usually would drop Bradyn off for school get back into bed and go back to sleep for most of the day.. Reason being?? Depression maybe, lack of sleep at night maybe. I don't know.. All I do know is I don't want to sleep anymore of my life away. It's my time to live it.

A little about me..

Me last Christmas.. This is the closest I will get to an actual photo of my whole body..
Here I am 31 years old and I weigh 289lbs.... I have been overweight my whole life! I feel shitty and I look shitty. I am so sick and tired of being like this.. I lay in the bed for most of the day just because I don't want to face the world. I have suffered from an eating disorder for almost half my life. What kind of life is this? I have tried every freaking diet I can think of and I have failed at all of them.. Now it's time for me.. It's time for me to take charge of MY LIFE and stop all this crap. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.. I CAN DO THIS! I WILL DO THIS! I HAVE TO DO THIS! I NEED TO DO THIS! I am joining a gym on Friday. I am have so many feelings going on about this.. I am scared to death but I am super excited all at the same time. I really owe a lot of this new found attitude to Ruby from the Style Network.. WOW what can I say.. She is an amazing woman who happens to be obese. At the start of her show she weight probably around 500lbs it is so inspirational to see her struggle like I do but some how she keeps on going.. She doesn't give up when she really wants too.. She also has an amazing support system and we are a lot alike in that way.. I have an amazing bunch of family and friends who are all behind me through this..